A Letter to My Younger Self

“Someone I loved once gave me a box full of darkness. It took me years to understand that this too, was a gift.”

- Mary Oliver

⬼⤗

This is a letter to a young girl, afraid of her own shadow. 

I can still see a glimpse of you when I look in the mirror sometimes; scars from past battles remind me of the ways in which you destroyed yourself, trying to escape.

It takes a different kind of pain to feel unsafe in your own skin, frightened of your own mind.

You are not a bad person for the ways you tried to kill your sadness; it became a problem, though, when you replaced your sadness with yourself.

This is for you, a girl who was equal parts loved and lost. 

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for how long it took to let go; of self hatred, of self doubt, of all those you've loved that did not deserve it.

You are an ocean, both vast and powerful, but you surrounded yourself with people who were afraid to swim, and convinced yourself that it was you who was unworthy. 

I'm sorry for all of the time you spent trying to look for God in all the wrong places,

when really, all you had to do was look in the mirror.

I'm sorry.

This is for you, babygirl, who braved her demons and won.

You are truly resilient.

Thank you. 

Thank you for teaching me all the ways in which I can be both soft and strong;

both gentle and fierce.

It is you who has shaped me, molded me

into the lover, the fighter, the learner, the teacher

I am today.

You are a lighthouse; a sole luminary beacon swaddled in a sea of darkness.

When I am lost, you call me home.

Thank you.

I used to wish I could travel back in time to warn you of all the ones who would hurt you,

but I've since realized that all the ways in which we've been broken were gifts, necessary in order to have put the pieces back together in the unique form I have now taken.

We are but a puzzle; the picture blank at birth.

We have had to be broken apart, every experience painting a piece of the jigsaw.

And now, as we slowly piece ourselves back together, a new image is created; we are in a constant process of both finding and creating who we are.

It takes a special kind of strength to allow yourself to break, and then have the courage to rebuild.

You did just that. Thank you.

Love always,

R

6/22/14